1. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. I get that. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. UGH. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? Our relationship got better when I moved out. LW here. That question from certain people stresses me too! Vagueing it up works for me. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Nothing special. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. Go For a Run: Once again, running will not require spending any money, only your energies. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. If it makes you feel better, I did not compare you to my father. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Me: Nope. BUT! Is it just me? No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Oh yes, this! So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). Me: Fine, thanks. 18. Because shes a family member. It can be so hard to set boundaries with the inlaws! Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. Mostly they arent great at invitations. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. Nothing very interesting. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Am I? Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. Just ask! If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. My current boss is a total jerk. Even if its only logistically. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. 57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Talk to Anyone I guess the conclusion is, ask more directly up front, and if I know someone has a hard time saying no, make sure I explicitly say, its okay to say no, or something similar. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. You could just ask. Question. "You know I can do this anytime.". (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. . (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. Published on August 6, 2022. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. I mountain bike every weekend! 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Flip the question back on them. Fine, thanks, and you? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. But it is a cost. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. Updog. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). And its hard to argue with. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. after Ive made my piece clear. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). They need to stop it. MY plans!) My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to.
When Two Empaths Become Friends,
Govee Camera Calibration,
Omar Bolden Candice,
Articles F
funny responses to what are you doing this weekend